


Exercise

by babydragon7



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Bad Flirting, Humor, M/M, Pining, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25615948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydragon7/pseuds/babydragon7
Summary: Illya is tense. Napoleon can help with that.“Wait a minute, Cowboy. Did you just proposition me by any chance? In a rather roundabout way?”
Relationships: Illya Kuryakin/Napoleon Solo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 112





	Exercise

**Author's Note:**

> Not mine! I just borrowed them to play.
> 
> Writing these fics is the most fun I can have with clothes on. Procrastination is so fun!

“So, Peril… is that what you do when you want to see some action?” Napoleon asks curiously.

The things Ilya is currently doing on the floor right in front of his couch must be illegal somewhere in the world for sure.

“When I want to see some action I go to the movies to watch a stupid spy film and laugh at all the things they got wrong,” Ilya says a bit breathlessly. His supports himself with his feet and palms flat on the carpet and his whole body is arched in the air, his firm buttocks tight as he imitates an arched bridge, Napoleon’s favorite construction from now on.

“I mean when you want to relieve some of the tension”. Sometimes Napoleon does not know if Ilya misinterprets him on purpose. “What’s this exercise is called, anyway?”

“I told you already it is ‘The Bridge’. Perfect for stretching. Are you seriously asking me if I exercise instead of masturbating?”

Napoleon is sure this rudeness is a sign of trust. Well, he is reasonably sure. Ilya is stretching in front of him without a care in the world, not at all self-conscious, in his gym pants and a wife-beater, translucent from sweat. Napoleon wants to lick his pectorals, just to taste.

“I was thinking dating or some such, and I mean humans, not a chess set”.

“Not all of us, Cowboy, need to get laid all the time. Look at you. Down time, I get it. Still you could at least keep it in your pants during our missions. I have told you – you could always slip those marks some pills, make them drunk, talkative, make them pliant or unconscious. These are legit ways for a spy to extract information”.

“Yes, yes, and you would rather use ‘The Kiss’, and not the fun kind”.

Ilya lays on the carpet shortly, then, leaving his shoulders on the floor, raises his lower body up in the air. This one is “The Birch Tree”. Stupid Russian names for stupid exercises. Although Ilya is a trunk Napoleon would gladly climb…

“What about Gaby”, he asks to rattle Ilya and because he is genuinely curious.

“Gaby… Gaby is amazing” Ilya sighs. He sounds a bit strangled as he keeps his hands on his flanks supporting his torso in the air. “It’s just that she told me I’m a ‘white-picket fence type of guy’ and that I need a committed relationship and she is still in search. Maybe she is right. I want a reliable partner. Without trust, desire, and love – sex is just some friction and muscle work. So it’s better to stick with exercise”.

“Well, it’s not so bad ‘the white-picket fence’ thing. I personally would not mind that”, Napoleon says and promptly regrets it as Ilya snorts so hard he almost falls down from his position.

“What? You’ve just told me I sleep around too much; maybe I finally need to settle down, have the same person in my bed every night, and find someone to cook for”.

“You cook for me and Gaby as it is”.

Ilya goes down slowly and moves to sit in front of the couch crossing his ankles in some hard to imitate knot. ‘He is flexible’, Napoleon thinks.

“Wait a minute, Cowboy. Did you just proposition me by any chance? In a rather roundabout way?”

Napoleon shrugs. The shrug means to entrap Ilya and Napoleon is not disappointed.

“You are not hard on the eye, Peril. You almost never snore and I appreciate that in a partner. We do have trust and we can work on the rest. I assure you, desire would not be a problem. Just look at me”.

“You think you’re so funny, Cowboy. That is the fastest courting ever as in ‘I’m so handsome, you’re very handsome, so why waste time, and let’s get it on. Does it actually work on anyone?”

“Well, Peril. There is more to me than just pretty face, easy charm and quick wit”, Napoleon says. “I bet I could help you take care of all this tension even without taking your pants off. Want a demonstration?”

XXX

Gaby hears loud moans when she approaches the door to their safe house, something that sounds suspiciously like “Fuck, more”. Nevertheless, she still enters. If those idiots decided to have a go at it in the common room, it is their own fault. By entering, she sees Ilya lying prone on his front, Napoleon sitting on his legs, holding Ilya’s arms and pulling them backwards to lift his upper torso from the floor. She is speechless, then she asks wryly

“Let me guess, it’s not what I think it is?”

“It is a demonstration of Tai massage technique” Ilya answers quite breathlessly “Cowboy said it was perfect for stretching and amazingly it was not a lie. I feel boneless”.

Gaby rolls her eyes.

“Just keep your indecent moans to a minimum, I’m going to sleep. Napoleon, don’t break Ilya”.

“I make no promises,” Napoleon says and pulls Ilya’s arms again.

Gaby stomps to her room, muttering something rude in German, or maybe it just sounds rude because it is in German. 

He lowers Ilya to the floor and his partner relaxes propping his chin on his crossed arms.

“I think I made my point”, Napoleon says and he can see Ilya has turned almost liquid under his ministrations. “This is so much better than your stupid ‘birch tree’”.

“Don’t insult birch trees”, Ilya mumbles, “they are epitome of Mother Russia”.

He breathes out.

“Ok, Cowboy, you win. We try this. But I’m not fucking you until we go on a date”.

Napoleon is fine with that. However…

“Let’s go to bed. I will show you something else. No funny business and pants stay on”.

Ilya groans, but gets up and moves towards his room on shaky legs.

Napoleon decides to make a small detour to his own bedroom. Gaby needs a good sleep and will kill them both if she does not get it.

Therefore, he must find a gag. No way will Ilya be able to stay silent, when Napoleon makes him come from foot massage.


End file.
